Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, this post-divorce journey surprises me. It’s been over two years since the jackass and I separated and twelve months since our divorce was finalised and yet, today, I find myself looking back a lot. Naturally, it isn’t one of my favourite things to do and believe me when I say that I do everything in my power to not look back, but as it turns out, my mind has a mind of its own. Funny that.
So yes, even though I’m in a new relationship and am nothing but hopelessly in love and happy, I still find myself looking back now and again. And believe it or not, the questions are still there, the lack of understanding still exists. They may not be at the forefront of my mind or my heart, but they’re there. I presume they will be there for awhile. Like ghosts. Lingering. Haunting.
I know I’ll never get the answers I wanted so desperately over two years ago. I guess my ‘why’s these days are more rhetorical. Recently, I stumbled upon pictures of the jackass. As spiteful as it sounds, I simply can’t deny that a piece of my heart hates that he can look happy in a photo. Sure, I’ll never know how genuine his smile may be in a photo – he looked pretty damn happy in all our photos together leading up to our separation – but the fact is that life goes on. For him, for his friends, for his family. And part of me still thinks that he doesn’t deserve a ‘life goes on’ ending. Do I want him to suffer for what he did? Do I want him to hurt, to be depressed, to self-loathe for what he did? I don’t know. All I know is that when I see a picture of him in his current life, with a grin on his face, it makes me want to throw up as I recall the tremendous hurt and pain I endured in the months that followed our separation.
So maybe I haven’t fully let go of the past. Even though I’d like to think that I have. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t been able to forgive him for all that has happened. It’s a huge catch 22. For had he not betrayed me like he did and walked away from our marriage, I would never have ever found this new relationship I’m in today and I would never have experienced love like I do now. If this is what real love is and this is what real love feels like, then perhaps maybe I need to forgive him for his wrongdoing and thank him for this new life that he forced me into.
Thank you. Maybe that’s what I need to say. Maybe that should be my new perspective on all that has happened over the last two years. Utter thankfulness.