The less busy I am, the more I reflect and the more I think. That can be a good thing but it can also be… well, a little detrimental to the soul. Sounds dramatic, it really isn’t. But, it sure does get those thoughts a-swirling in my head.
You know, initially when the jackass and I separated, though I didn’t want contact with him, I somehow still had that urge to look him up on Twitter or Instagram. I’d go looking at his friends’ Facebook pages. What was I looking for? I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want contact but there was that curious side of me that wanted a glimpse of what the hell he was up to. Eventually that urge to know faded. Pretty quickly.
When 2014 came around, I decided that when my divorce was finalised that any urge I’d have to go searching for a glimpse of him would be shut down instantly and completely. I wasn’t going to tolerate even the mere thought of it. With the divorce finalised, there was absolutely no reason whatsoever to have that little glimpse to satisfy any curiosity I had. Am I still curious? Yeah, sometimes, I’ll admit it. Do I care about what’s happening in his life? Not one bit.
But without even searching for him through social media, I still have my own to worry about – I still have photos of my past life with him on my Instagram feed and sometimes, like tonight, I don’t know why but I choose to take a journey back to that life. A life that once was. I still have trouble looking at those photos without feeling a little sick to the stomach. And those photos, of me and him and the life we built together, sometimes seem like it was all a dream. Did it really happen? Did I really live with him? And we cooked together? We shopped for groceries together? We renovated and poured love into a home together? Sometimes it feels like it all never happened but the photos say otherwise. It’s a strange feeling.
When looking at those photos, I also tend to compare my life then to my life now. What a stark contrast. Back then it was all about us. It was all about planning for the future, worrying about the future. And yes, there is some planning of the future even today, but I am not worried about where this life will take me. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it as long as I continue to feel this way but the greatest gift the end of my marriage gave me was the wake up call I needed to truly be in the moment. To live my life in the moment. How easy it was for me, in the past, to get so caught up with life, to conforming with standards, to planning the future and worrying about things that didn’t matter. And that took away my ability to truly live in the moment. And though I can never say that it caused me to waste time, because I believe that in everything we experience there are great lessons to be taught, it just reminds me that there is no more important lesson than to appreciate all that we have in our lives today and that it is our loyal duty to ourselves to make the most of our lives today.
Deep thoughts, friends. I do apologise. I can’t sleep tonight, so I write. Thanks for reading!